Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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