it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
