If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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