Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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