Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
