I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
