Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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