No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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