You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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