Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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