every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
