Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
