I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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