Dignity is for republicans.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
