Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
