Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dick very happy bro
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
