i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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