So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
