i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
