I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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