I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
