My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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