He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
