I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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