Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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