sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
