if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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