she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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