What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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