I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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