I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
