the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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