I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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