You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
