Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
