Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
