Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
