ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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