He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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