Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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