I think I won the penis lottery.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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