So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
