I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
