it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Randomize
