Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
