The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
