my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
