brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
