I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
