WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
