i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
