Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
