I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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