no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
