broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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